On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
soo... how was my night?
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