wrigley field is MILF paradise
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
