Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Randomize
