she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
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If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
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And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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