I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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