Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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