I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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