Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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