why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
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Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
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God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!