The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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