She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
