im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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