walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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