I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
