..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
