I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
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Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
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Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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