Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
