omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
