there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
