I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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