i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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