he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
