if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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