I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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