That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
