batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
