dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize
