It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If I die, sorry about rent.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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