so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
