youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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