Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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