There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
