remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you made out with another girl for some wings
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