I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
