Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
