I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
