There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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