I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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