my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
