she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
