So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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