I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
