On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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