my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
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Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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