i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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