Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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