If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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