I want to make a zoo with you.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
