Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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