we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
