I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
