Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
