im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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