He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
