$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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