I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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