Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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