I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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