I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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