I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize